I don’t know many things for certain. In fact, I know that I don’t know a whole heck of a lot. About the only thing I really know today is that the love in Silas’s eyes when he looks into mine is like its very own universe. Nothing makes me feel so happy so quickly as a blanket on the floor with windows open in a quiet house where Si and I can just lay and look at each other and grin in total trusting, silent, content company as I watch him observe the world as a perpetual adventure of newness.
It was my first Mother’s Day, and this year was odd because we had so many family obligations that it didn’t really register that it was my day as well. Nevertheless, the holiday that has previously been one for me to celebrate my relationship with my Mom is now one I get to celebrate as I look at my sweet sleepy little boy this morning. With every year that passes, I hear myself say things that sound just like my Mom. It used to make me panic that I was turning into her, but now that my perspective has shifted to thinking about Si and the love and responsibility and hopes I have for him, I see that all her energy and words that went into us were just as intense and frightening and rewarding. I have never been happier to be like my Mom than I am right now.
I have a habit of telling the microscopic truth, and parenting is no exception. That is to say I keep a barometer reading on how I feel about things as I experience them and I communicate them to those close to me. Because of this, I have been told I lack resilience or sensitivity or a few other things, but I found parenting in the early months to be very challenging and I wasn’t shy about that. I think if people remember the mountain of small transitions parenthood brings, they are sensitive to people trying to settle into what works for them in an effort to keep all parties reasonably fulfilled and happy. It ain’t easy. Life isn’t perfect, people aren’t always kind, and it isn’t easy to be honest all the time. Today I am setting a goal for motherhood: I want Silas to feel like he can be honest about how he feels and still feel supported by us, and I want him to see us living that as an example. I feel very lucky indeed to be his mama and to raise a child with emotional literacy as a priority. He is going to be one amazing man someday.
I don’t have my camera here, so forgive the horrible picture, but Tim got me a ring with Si’s birthstone and it is stunning. Score one for Timmy.
Finally, we came home last night night at 7 o’clock after tons of tired driving to find lasagna, marinated salad, and vino waiting for us in the fridge. Thank goodness for neighbors. Truly. Speaking of, Elizabeth just sent me a link to this and told me she sees us doing this with Silas. It was a lovely compliment for new parents. We are all doing the best we can, but it’s easy to wonder just how good that really is sometimes.
Here’s to the mothers who are doing their thing, raising the best kids they know how.